sereneorange: (fivehead)
[personal profile] sereneorange
Let's talk about fat. I know you want to.


 
I am not going to go into what led up to this discussion from a bunch of women in a forum I am in, but we were talking about being fat and what goes on with your self image and how we are made to feel.

There are a lot of reasons people are fat. There are medical reasons, polycystic ovarian disease, thyroid issues, diabetes, Pituitary gland disease, Stein-Leventhal syndrome, ect. Sometimes it is because genetically, this is the hand they were dealt. Sometimes it is because they eat the wrong foods, and are too sedentary. Sometimes, it is because of a combination of varying levels of all of these things.

I am fat. I was not a fat child, but a poor diet and poor coping skills for trauma led to a weight gain in my mid teens. I ate too much of the wrong foods, but I was still active. I would still go jogging and play basket ball into my early 20's.

When I was 20-22, I was a bicycle courier downtown. I rode a bike for about 10 hours a day. Sometimes after that, I would ride 16 miles home. I was fairly poor, so I was not eating much. I was 230 lbs and wore a size 20.  I was still that size when I became pregnant. I also did a few hundred sit ups a day, and would go running with my boyfriend.

I am not still in such good shape. I do not exercise anywhere near as much as I should. I have changed my eating habits from good to bad to better, with little change in my size. I am working on moving more. I am way too sedentary. However, due to my previous history, I know this is not the only factor in my weight.

So what is all that about? 

It goes to how overweight people are made to feel. Wait. That isn't what I mean. Everyone is in control of their own feelings. No one MAKES me feel a certain way. However, the things that are said and the looks that are given result in my feeling poorly.

I can look in the mirror and think that I am beautiful and sexy. I honestly and truly believe it. I want to be thinner, and learning to cook healthier lately coupled with my almost 15 years of vegetarianism, I can be. However, I think that in this moment in time, I am a lovely sensuous woman. My curves are in good places, and to bring it all together, I am fucking funny, witty, and charming. Wow.... with all that I believe about myself, you would think I would have to get a construction crew to widen the doors on my 1950 built home, not to accommodate my wide hips, but my big giant head.

Fortunately, I have the rest of the world to tell me what a disgusting pig I am. I wake up every day, get ready for work and look in the mirror and see what I think is a beautiful woman looking back. When I leave the house, I am made aware that I am not that. What I am is an out of control, lazy fatass.

However, I am not going to join the "you are a big giant fatty you out of control slob" bandwagon. Inside my house, when I am looking in that mirror, that is not what I see.


(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 02:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fixed-air.livejournal.com
A lot of people assume that if someone is fat they must sit on their ass all day long eating burritos and ice cream. Which may be true of some fat people, but it's not true of many others. (And, of course, we forget all the thin people who eat crap and don't exercise!) *sigh*

I'm glad you see yourself as a beautiful woman, and I'm sorry that other people rain on your parade with their stupid assumptions.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 02:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] squidflakes.livejournal.com
Lets talk about fat baby, lets talk about big bellies, lets talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, lets talk about faaat.

Damn you Salt and Peppa, DAMN YOU! However, I do forgive Spinderella.

Annnnyway, yes thumbs up and such. It sucks that there is an entire industry devoted to reminding people like us that we're unattractive, unloved, and unwelcome.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
You are the devil for putting that song in my head.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 03:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angyllina.livejournal.com
It's not what I see when I look in the mirror either.

I have been smaller than I am now, and I've been bigger, however, even at my "goal" weight and size, society still frowns upon me and tells me how beautiful I would be if only I lost about 50 pounds.

"You would be so hot if..." I proceed to kick anyone who mutters those words to me in the balls, and then right on out of my life.

Genetics dealt me a build that won't ever be slender, genetics did, however, deal me a hand with a strong body and killer curves. I am not ashamed of them, and I hate that the people outside those doors want to make me feel like I should be.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
I told someone who gave me the "you would be so pretty if..", "I contend that I am already pretty attractive. However, you would be so much hotter if you had a better personality"

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maddycat.livejournal.com
Thank you for posting that. It's so nice to hear someone else say the things I feel. I wish I had more of your self confidence though... I USED TO. But after having Jaron, I'm bigger than I've ever been, and I feel ugly too. Sigh. I'm one of the people who were dealt a genetically fucked up hand. My dad's whole side of the family are fucking giants. I don't think there's one woman under 250 lbs. I've been fighting weight issues my WHOLE LIFE. My mom had me on a fucking diet when I was FOUR. UGH.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
wth? you are gorgeous.

I am not going to worry about weight. I am going to worry about how I feel.

I know how you feel after just having a baby. Took me a few years before I stopped wearing shapeless clothes 2 sizes too big in order to hide.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 03:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] janedivided.livejournal.com
Even before I knew you personally, I would see you respond to Ron and I always thought your icons of you were so pretty. And you are even more beautiful person. As far as I'm concerned, those people can go fuck themselves..you know?

I struggle because there are times when I look in the mirror before I go out and I know I look hot. I have a good track record (no matter how skinny or big I've been) to make men notice me. Very rarely have I not been given something I wanted.

But what really bothers me is knowing that I could look really good if I put in the effort. I feel bad enough about it myself. I sure as hell don't need assholes pointing it out.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 03:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
I have noticed the older I get, the less I hear this crap. I am not sure if it is because I am around more mature people or if it is because older women tend to turn invisible.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neanahe.livejournal.com
In order to lose weight, I have to cut my diet down to about 500 calories a day.

I can maintain that for about 3/4th of a day.

Confidence is the most sexy attribute a woman can have. It's like Chris Rock say, "You know whose sexy? 300 pound black women, because they know they're sexy, and they'll tell you about it."

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
I am not going to go around telling people I am sexy. It is enough that I think I am. But yeah, confidence is VERY attractive.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] steshaluna.livejournal.com
I've been a vegetarian for twenty years, and when I tell people that, they more often than not look me up and down and say something like, "Really??"

My doctor was surprised when he ran all sorts of tests on me and my cholesterol and protein and other such levels were all excellent.

I took a weight training class once. They tested our muscle mass and were shocked to find that I had a high percentage of muscle. I even beat a lot of the guys on some of the lifts.

So, yeah. I completely understand what you mean when you say people look at you and make assumptions based on size.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
I am freakishly strong for a woman (especially now that I am not working out hardly ever) My family calls me meat paw. Somewhere, under all of this... . is one buff bitch. lol

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 06:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gudenna.livejournal.com
I was always the cousin that got asked to help move heavy equipment on the farm. Yeah I was the bigger cousin BUT I could lift heavy stuff!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badjuju1.livejournal.com
This post really hits home for me too girl!!! Earlier this morning I was on a blog that I read occasionally where the blogger brought up the whole thing about airlines talking about charging overweight passengers for 2 seats instead of 1 and I read the comments on this blog.....oh yeah, you'd better believe there's plenty of fat hatin' going on there....it was very discouraging for me to read and of course me being as sensitive as I am, it made me cry and as if I needed any more insecurity about my figure, that was exactly what that gave me :(

The worst part is that so many people blame overweight people as if they asked to be overweight. Granted, I may not always exercise like I should, but I do make an effort...actually more of an effort than many skinny friends I've had over the years. And no, I don't eat bon-bons, twinkies, ho-hos or whatever the hell else fat haters would like to accuse me of scarfing down nonstop just because I have some extra meat on my bones. I don't sit around eating all day long in general. I eat less per meal than most people around me and I eat less often, go figure....None of this matters of course to the uninformed onlooker who will instantly look at me and blame me 100% for not being thin. Of course that onlooker doesn't know my father who has struggled his entire life with his weight, or my mother whose weight yo-yos up and down constantly....and that woman is on the go non-stop day in day out, you would think she would be a total beanpole, but nope, not so much. Or my siblings who also struggle with their weight. But no, definitely, it's 100% my fault that I'm fat. I'm a worthless fat fucker, didn't you know? *shakes head*

Why are overweight people made out to feel like second class citezens? Why do people say things like fat people should have to pay more money for health insurance since they are more expensive for the insurance companies. Really? Is that really so? Because I will garuntee you that my 115 lb. best friend goes to the doctor a fuck of a lot more than I do while I myself at over 200 lbs, I go in for my regular health check ups & female check ups and that is all........God damn I'm such a drain on the system, somebody should really take me out back and just shoot me right now since I'm apparantly a menace to myself and to society.....

Oh yeah, and of course don't forget that obviously, just as fat people are fat at their own fault, thin people are thin because they take SO much better care of themselves and obviously they must exercise regularly and eat all the right stuff all the time because it couldn't POSSIBLY be that they were born with a great fast metabolism while my metabolism would be better suited to a fucking snail........

Sorry I got a little heated there, it just pisses me off and makes me depressed!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
it IS the last acceptable prejudice. That story is what prompted the discussion in the forum I referred to.

My question was, how about people with broken limbs? A guy with a limb that is stuck out taking up room, is he charged? You can say that fat people made themselves that way, but what about the people with illnesses that cause it? Do they need to bring a doctor's note? The people who are 500 lbs plus LIKELY have at the very least a mental illness/ disorder that lead to them being there even if a physical illness did not.

How about people that have created their disability or injury themselves by engaging in risky behavior?

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] glowy-lovers.livejournal.com
I'm the opposite I look in the mirror and think yuk fat :(

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 05:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
I am not in love with my fat. I would prefer to not be. However, we are ALL beautiful in one way or another. I told I guy I went out with last weekend that while I am glad he likes my ass, I am awesome in a multitude of ways, the least of which has anything to do with the way I look.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 05:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] glowy-lovers.livejournal.com
Yes I quite agree with you on that , me and *the man* would never have got together in a million years if we had met first in real life

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] naimhe35.livejournal.com
Absolutely and Amen! Recently i've gained about 25 lbs. give or take, but i swear most days I feel sexier than I ever felt as a much smaller twenty-something. The company you keep certainly has a heck of alot to do with it. What I really hate is guys young and old who I pass on campus, who are not even man enough to make eye contact with me, as if I don't exist because I'm overweight.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 05:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
"The company you keep certainly has a heck of alot to do with it"

Absolutely.

And keep rockin' your hotness, lady.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 05:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kaenhoushaki.livejournal.com
It's wonderful that you see yourself as beautiful! :)

I wish I could feel that confident...whenever I look in the mirror I get so dysphoric. My eating disorder drives me at the moment.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
It is not the only way I see myself. I am a lovely combo of vain and terribly insecure.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 06:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kaenhoushaki.livejournal.com
it better than just always feeling bad about yourself at least! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-22 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] walkertxkitty.livejournal.com
Small correction: Stein-Leventhal and PCOS are the same disease, it's just that the first is no longer in common use. That is the original diagnosis I was given but they've changed everything in the records to say PCOS now.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 01:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eonblue21.livejournal.com
I bulked up in high school for football and then after that I stopped working out and kept eating and drinking beer and so I gained a good bit of weight. I was skinny up until I was 12 or 13 and then started to 'fill out'

I thought I could never been 'thin' but I went on a big diet and started doing cardio 3-4x a week for an hour. Within 6-8 months I had lost like 60lbs and went from 240 to 180. Then I moved back to texas after a year of college and didn't have a job right away so I sat on my ass and ate junk food / fast food for meals and got no exercise and gained a ton back. I can say that, for me at least, exercise and a good diet works and if I had the motivation I could be at least back to 180 and considered average (maybe not skinny as im only 5-10)

I need to get back to working out and back on a diet really, not so much because I don't think i'm attractive, because i've been told i'm quite handsome, but because I do not want health issues in the future.

I don't think weight determines someone's attractiveness, i'm actually somewhat partial to women with some extra padding.

Anyway, that's my 8 cents.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
EIGHT cents? Very generous. as you can tell by my journal title, I only give 2

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 01:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eonblue21.livejournal.com
2 cents would be "I was fat, then I wasn't, now i'm fat again'

ha

a looooong comment

Date: 2009-04-23 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xcentrikka.livejournal.com
I was really happy to see this post. I have been fat pretty much my whole life, but I rarely talk about my experience. I guess I always felt like if I didn't talk about being fat, maybe no one would notice that I was. But it is SUCH an important dialogue to have, because I think most thin people have NO idea what it is like.

I have lost a lot of weight over the past year or so, over 50 pounds. I am still a good 25-30 pounds overweight, but for the first time in my adult life I am under 200 pounds, I can shop in stores, go on airplanes without worrying about the seat being too small, and not worry about getting called out on the street on a daily basis ("Oooh, girl, you are so THICK!").

The stuff I went through as an obese person will be with me forever. I still think of myself as freakishly overweight, even though I am nearing average. I am so scared of gaining weight that I honestly almost didn't by tickets to Italy for this summer because I was afraid of being away from the gym for so long. How crazy is that? But that's how are society is set up...people would rather DIE than be a size 14 (hah, meanwhile, I there are times in my life where I would have killed to be a mere 14!).

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that I totally feel where you are coming from. Thank you for having the courage to bring it up!!!

Re: a looooong comment

Date: 2009-04-23 02:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
Thank you for sharing

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 06:53 am (UTC)
ext_38501: (Default)
From: [identity profile] daily-rant.livejournal.com
I wanted to come back to this, because it was so well written. I have often wondered why we are so quick to judge the outside wrapper--and why the "ideal" is often a ridiculous standard. Notice how men talk about how fit they are--how far they can run, how much weight they can lift and so forth. Women, on the other hand, talk about what size they are, or how many pounds they weigh. Sure, being overweight has medical consequences--but there are underweight/normal weight folks who are not healthy (eat poorly, are more sedentary etc....) Some vices seem more acceptable than others on top of that. I admire that you are able to see yourself, good and bad, and yet you focus on and accentuate what is good.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 10:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meowvatar.livejournal.com
I am 5'6", last time I was weighed last week at the doctor's office, was 217 lbs., and this is a recent picture of me:



I have become convinced I am attractive, not the least by that man standing in the picture who is my husband, but also by the number of men who check me out on a regular basis. I'm clearly not thin. And this makes me think there are quite a few men out there that dig curves.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 01:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
What a cute dress!! What event was this? Y'all both look adorable

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meowvatar.livejournal.com
It was a wedding where I actually somehow ended up in the bridal party. She threw it together in just three weeks and it actually turned out quite lovely. :)

And thank you for the compliments! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 01:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubygloomrox.livejournal.com
It's even harder to find a job. I was absolutely astounded and am still traumatized by the way I was treated when I first packed on pounds. There are people who look for me on myspace because they want to see me having gained weight. It's sick.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-23 01:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubygloomrox.livejournal.com
Right? I was flabbergasted. But also kind of pissed enough to be glad I'd already started getting back in shape.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-01 04:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] calience.livejournal.com
Damn straight! You freaking rock! :D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-05-02 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serene-orange.livejournal.com
awww! such a compliment

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