sereneorange: (fivehead)
[personal profile] sereneorange
Let's talk about fat. I know you want to.


 
I am not going to go into what led up to this discussion from a bunch of women in a forum I am in, but we were talking about being fat and what goes on with your self image and how we are made to feel.

There are a lot of reasons people are fat. There are medical reasons, polycystic ovarian disease, thyroid issues, diabetes, Pituitary gland disease, Stein-Leventhal syndrome, ect. Sometimes it is because genetically, this is the hand they were dealt. Sometimes it is because they eat the wrong foods, and are too sedentary. Sometimes, it is because of a combination of varying levels of all of these things.

I am fat. I was not a fat child, but a poor diet and poor coping skills for trauma led to a weight gain in my mid teens. I ate too much of the wrong foods, but I was still active. I would still go jogging and play basket ball into my early 20's.

When I was 20-22, I was a bicycle courier downtown. I rode a bike for about 10 hours a day. Sometimes after that, I would ride 16 miles home. I was fairly poor, so I was not eating much. I was 230 lbs and wore a size 20.  I was still that size when I became pregnant. I also did a few hundred sit ups a day, and would go running with my boyfriend.

I am not still in such good shape. I do not exercise anywhere near as much as I should. I have changed my eating habits from good to bad to better, with little change in my size. I am working on moving more. I am way too sedentary. However, due to my previous history, I know this is not the only factor in my weight.

So what is all that about? 

It goes to how overweight people are made to feel. Wait. That isn't what I mean. Everyone is in control of their own feelings. No one MAKES me feel a certain way. However, the things that are said and the looks that are given result in my feeling poorly.

I can look in the mirror and think that I am beautiful and sexy. I honestly and truly believe it. I want to be thinner, and learning to cook healthier lately coupled with my almost 15 years of vegetarianism, I can be. However, I think that in this moment in time, I am a lovely sensuous woman. My curves are in good places, and to bring it all together, I am fucking funny, witty, and charming. Wow.... with all that I believe about myself, you would think I would have to get a construction crew to widen the doors on my 1950 built home, not to accommodate my wide hips, but my big giant head.

Fortunately, I have the rest of the world to tell me what a disgusting pig I am. I wake up every day, get ready for work and look in the mirror and see what I think is a beautiful woman looking back. When I leave the house, I am made aware that I am not that. What I am is an out of control, lazy fatass.

However, I am not going to join the "you are a big giant fatty you out of control slob" bandwagon. Inside my house, when I am looking in that mirror, that is not what I see.


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