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So sick so tired so early
Aug. 17th, 2004 07:43 amFirst day of school was yesterday. That means Connor and I get up today to do his homework. Oh... I mean I do it. He writes. This shit is starting already. He has ADHD. I get it. I have it too and I know how hard it was to get started and do anything. But I did it at least at the beginning. I had no medication or understanding parents who knew what my learning disability was and how my brain worked. Connor has two people who support him and love him and understand.
He has the worst attitude and refuses to change it. We point out how this is a new year and a fresh start and remind him that 5th grade is notoriously easier in his program (Dual Language) than 4th grade. He is just refusing to take a good attitude about it. There is this book on ADHD called You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! which is how people with ADHD feel until they understand it is a neurological disorder that can be controlled with medication which makes it easier to have behavior modifications. Medication doesn't fix everything, but makes it a lot easier to help yourself with the rest of it. But he is lazy. He just has to be. And it makes me sick.
I am already sick about money and position. I have been throwing up about every other day for about 2 weeks. I am trying to meditate and have been taking Pepcid. But I am still really stressed out and my stomach is being torn up.
I almost vomited in his cereal this morning.
My sister came down and saw I was no where near getting ready and asked "What time did you think we were leaving?" I didn't want to make her think she had to wait and be late because I was not ready and was helping Connor the ass do his homework one fucking word at a time. I told her, "you leave when you need to leave, we have to finish this and I will take him by bus if I need to." That for some reason pissed her off. We get his work done, I make his lunch, while trying to not vomit and my stomach is cramping up. I make his lunch. When I go up stairs to get ready I holler down, "Tell Con to read a book in Spanish till I am ready to go." She yells up, with a very pissed off voice, "I am taking him to school, but you need to say something next time.Quit acting like I don't have a right to ask." Huh? "I said, I don't feel well." She replies, "I am not a mind reader. Say something next time." I know I don't get it sometimes. I miss clues about what to say or do in situations. I have an extremely difficult time verbalizing how I feel or what I am thinking, but I didn't expect her to take him. I didn't want to whine that my stomach hurt. I have been complaining about it for two weeks. I didn't want to talk when I was pissed off at Connor and say what I was feeling about that because he was right there and I had nothing nice to say at the time. Me calling him a lazy fucker and I am sick of living this type of life with him, which is what I was thinking at the time, is not really a nurturing or constructive thing to do. He is certainly not going to have a good day at school after hearing that. I know myself well enough to know that I have to wait and think about what I say when I am angry or upset, or I am cruel. I don't want to be that person. I just sat upstairs crying for about 10 minutes, hoping that would help get it out. I hate crying. I feel weak, and it makes my face and lips all puffy- and anyone who knows me knows I am too vain to be cool with that. So it is off to work to let people be complete ass faces to me because I am not a person, I am not anything that deserves any respect. I am a faceless nothing on the other end of the phone put there for them to vent on. That is why they pay me the big bucks.
He has the worst attitude and refuses to change it. We point out how this is a new year and a fresh start and remind him that 5th grade is notoriously easier in his program (Dual Language) than 4th grade. He is just refusing to take a good attitude about it. There is this book on ADHD called You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! which is how people with ADHD feel until they understand it is a neurological disorder that can be controlled with medication which makes it easier to have behavior modifications. Medication doesn't fix everything, but makes it a lot easier to help yourself with the rest of it. But he is lazy. He just has to be. And it makes me sick.
I am already sick about money and position. I have been throwing up about every other day for about 2 weeks. I am trying to meditate and have been taking Pepcid. But I am still really stressed out and my stomach is being torn up.
I almost vomited in his cereal this morning.
My sister came down and saw I was no where near getting ready and asked "What time did you think we were leaving?" I didn't want to make her think she had to wait and be late because I was not ready and was helping Connor the ass do his homework one fucking word at a time. I told her, "you leave when you need to leave, we have to finish this and I will take him by bus if I need to." That for some reason pissed her off. We get his work done, I make his lunch, while trying to not vomit and my stomach is cramping up. I make his lunch. When I go up stairs to get ready I holler down, "Tell Con to read a book in Spanish till I am ready to go." She yells up, with a very pissed off voice, "I am taking him to school, but you need to say something next time.Quit acting like I don't have a right to ask." Huh? "I said, I don't feel well." She replies, "I am not a mind reader. Say something next time." I know I don't get it sometimes. I miss clues about what to say or do in situations. I have an extremely difficult time verbalizing how I feel or what I am thinking, but I didn't expect her to take him. I didn't want to whine that my stomach hurt. I have been complaining about it for two weeks. I didn't want to talk when I was pissed off at Connor and say what I was feeling about that because he was right there and I had nothing nice to say at the time. Me calling him a lazy fucker and I am sick of living this type of life with him, which is what I was thinking at the time, is not really a nurturing or constructive thing to do. He is certainly not going to have a good day at school after hearing that. I know myself well enough to know that I have to wait and think about what I say when I am angry or upset, or I am cruel. I don't want to be that person. I just sat upstairs crying for about 10 minutes, hoping that would help get it out. I hate crying. I feel weak, and it makes my face and lips all puffy- and anyone who knows me knows I am too vain to be cool with that. So it is off to work to let people be complete ass faces to me because I am not a person, I am not anything that deserves any respect. I am a faceless nothing on the other end of the phone put there for them to vent on. That is why they pay me the big bucks.