Writer's Block: Sticks and Stones

[sereneorange]

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I answered this earlier, but reading someone else's answer reminded me of this:

I told a woman who had6 miscarriages and desperately wanted a baby, "Perhaps you should eat a sandwich. I may be fat, but at least my body can sustain life. Your fetuses starve and die before they are ever born"

Not the kindest or classiest way to handle the issue.

I was working in the accounts receivable are of my college book store and Connor was about 4 months old. I came in every day and worked, kept my mouth shut, did my work, then went home to my baby. There was this impossibly thin Asian woman that worked with me and the other 4 women. They chatted all day, so I knew that the Asian woman kept getting pregnant than miscarrying.

One day they were talking about something and she said, ". . . take that fat cow over there for instance. . ." and gestured at me. WTF? I didn't ever say anything except "good morning", and have a nice evening"" every day.

So, I said, "Perhaps you should eat a sandwich. I may be fat, but at least my body can sustain life. Your fetuses starve and die before they are ever born" and left. She burst into tears and all the other ladies consoled her and when I got back told me how horrid I was. She didn't come back for days.

I didn't feel bad then. She was cruel to me for no good reason.

I feel bad now. I should have taken the high road. She was obviously a miserable person. I didn't need to make it worse. I could have stood up for myself with out cutting her so deeply.

I seem to have a knack for that. It is a sick talent. I have an innate ability to know what a person's insecurities and sensitive spots are and can stab them right there.

That is why I get quiet when I am angry now. You can't really ever take back when you say something. It is out. You can apologize, gloss over, spin, and lie, but you can never take anything you say back.

Comments

[farscape26.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the reply from a stranger, but I read your post and felt compelled to reply....

You are so right. Once you say something, it's out.

I also have the same innate ability to hit that sensitive spot too. I can't remember the worst thing I've told someone... probably a repressed memory. I know you feel bad now, but shouldn't someone who treats you cruelly for no reason expect the same treatment back?

[meowvatar.livejournal.com]

Again, it is really, really good that you have learned all this -- that's a given. But that's interesting, your ability to do that. My husband has the same ability and has used it to great effect when credibly threatened.

[simple-lifex3.livejournal.com]

What would you have said to her "without cutting her so deeply"

I mean, what you said did the job.
Very well I might add.
But you're right about her being a complete sorry ass miserable person.

[talirhee.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess it was a bit cruel, but what was she expecting?? You can't treat someone like that and expect them to just take hit after hit.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

[omegaxl.livejournal.com]

You know...yeah what you said was cruel and I'm sure it hurt her, but I can attest that a lifetime of fat jokes gets to be old. Two wrongs don't make a right, but I can relate Marilyn. Very rarely do I ever have those cruel outbursts, but when I do, it's brought on by someone else.

A former coworker of mine is married to a woman at least 20 years younger than he is. He didn't miss many opportunities to joke about my size and I took it in stride, as I have for most of my life. One day he said something that really struck a nerve so I was pissed off pretty early. His young wife came in & we all waved & told her "hi" and kept on working. He went out & talked to her and then came back. My manager said something to the effect of him being a lucky guy for having such a young wife. His reply was "I wouldn't trust her with any of you guys, especially Big Dave." I was seeing red. I said to him "I'm too young for your wife, apparently she's into grandfathers." He chuckled under his breath but I know he was really pissed off. It worked though, he didn't talk to me for 2 days.

It's not right, but you can only take so much.

[juciest.livejournal.com]

Apparantly the other women didn't feel that she was being 'horrid' to you. People think because we're fat that we can take it, the 'cuts' don't hurt so bad because there's so much fat to get through, I guess. My problem is that I can never think of a sharp comeback (or even any comment at all due to hurt and shock) until later and end up being laughed at and hurt and just taking it and looking like an idiot.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

reply from a stranger is just fine.

I repress them as well. My friend Luellen will remind me of something I said to someone in high school and made them cry every now and then. I remember myself as being this meek girl that never said anything ugly to anyone and she will say, "Oh really? You don't recall making that girl cry in front of everyone?" I will say, "oh yeah.... " But it was never unprovoked. I wasn't a bully. It usually came out when I had just had enough of someone messing with me.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

I don't know. Maybe I could have just pointed out what a ugly thing she had just done instead of attacking her back.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

Have you ever just looked them dead in the eye and asked, "what exactly about your upbringing made you think it was okay to say something hurtful to someone that has done nothing to you? Were both your parents completely neglectful of your moral upbrining, or was it just one shitty, neglectful parent? Do you think blowing out my candle will make yours burn brighter? Can you feel the hole where your sould should be? Does it hurt? Is it palpable, the hole?"

I've been known to just shame the living shit out of someone, their ancestors and their progeny.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

I was in awe that the women ran to console her when I had been dealt an ugly blow, myself.
Maybe it is because she was crying and I was fuming.

[juciest.livejournal.com]

No, but there are many times I wish I had. I've always been a doormat, and I'm usually so embarrassed or hurt that I can't think. I'm desperately trying to change, because I'm the only one who has ever and will ever stand up for me.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

I say give it a try sister. And then don't walk off. Just look them in the eye and expect an answer. If they try to come back with snark, stop them. Say,
"No seriously. I am ever so curious. I am looking for an honest, serious answer to my serious question. I want to know how it is your parents failed you so hard."

Don't yell it. Stay completely calm and serious.

Later, you can giggle. They get quite uncomfortable.

[meowvatar.livejournal.com]

This is AWESOME, Marilyn! I'll have to remember this -- what a great way of handling things!

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

:)

[farscape26.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes... high school. The very time in most teenagers' lives when real emotions come out.

I was pretty quiet as a kid myself. There were a few people who would get on my nerves, but I'd never say anything to them until finally they did something to just make me snap. Strangely enough, some people thought of me differently as a result, but I hadn't changed at all. I had just finally told someone how I felt instead of keeping it inside.

I still feel that most people have it coming and they shouldn't feel surprised when you talk back to them. I've had one too many people think less of me because of outbursts I've made.

[farscape26.livejournal.com]

I think it's a natural reaction for people to put others down when they are feeling down themselves. It's also a natural defense to defend yourself the most natural way you can, which usually entails insulting the insulter.

It does take a stronger person to stop and ask why the insulter decided to insult you. You're all the more better if you can ask the insulter why without insulting them as well. But hey, it does feel better to tell people their faults when they're questioning yours. :)