Blah blah blah
Oct. 5th, 2003 01:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sereneorangeThat is how I feel this weekend. Blah. I have shit for money and crap to do. I slept a lot on saturday and didn't go out. Dyed my hair and went to bed early with a book. I am in a rut. I need some excitement. I have no solution for this right now. I have no car. I am not currently dating anyone. My kid is stressing me out and people are dropping like flies. My sister died, my cat died, my grandmother has one foot in the grave ( or medical experimentation labs--donating body to science). I need something new, but I have no ideas for what to do or change. Any suggestions?
The weather lately has been so amazingly beautiful. The sunsets are like a watercolor on a greeting card. They don't even look real. The sky has been so blue and clear. I miss Linda most on these days. She loved nature. She loved camping and just being outside. I have always been a city girl and even the suburbs drove me nutty as a child. I had this strong draw to the city in me. I knew there was much more that I needed than the suburbs could provide. I can picture her happy face. I miss walking with her down the red dirt road. I miss the crisp air in Arkansas. When I was with her was when I could really appreciate nature. I would look at her beautiful face and the afternoon sun on it. Her lime sherbert colored eyes would shine as she admired some tree. Her voice in the background talking about the dogwoods, would be the theme music in the little movie of us that will forever play in my head. I loved her laugh lines. I am a vain woman and if it were not for the love of the lines that played her face, I would not be able to appreciate my own wrinkles. I can see her walking with her little shuffle. He legs were almost half the length of mine and for every step I took with my long strides, there were 3 of her shuffles. She would stop and pick up a rock that caught her eye. She saved them. I mourn the fact that my son will no longer be able to give rocks to linda. When she was very ill- a month before she died and could no longer walk, Connor and I took a walk down that road. He stopped and picked up rocks for Linda. One rock took him 20 min of digging at with a stick to get to. He persisted because the rock looked like wood and he knew she would appreciate how unique and beautiful it was. She did. She kissed him and praised him and she is gone and that will never happen again. I do not know if he will remember that day. I wept on that day like I weep remembering because I knew it would never come again. I hope it will be a movie in his head like my walks with her will be for me. I am so afraid I will start forgetting her. Her beautiful face, the ridiculous toe socks and flip flops, the appreciative "ummph" she would exclaim when something tasted especially good, her adorable little geisha walk, and the love she had for all things living. I can never be that good. I can try. I wish I had listened to her more. There must have been something she said to give me the wisdom the see more good in people; something that would enable me to love more. But I am sure I missed it. And she and it are gone. The world will never be the same.
The weather lately has been so amazingly beautiful. The sunsets are like a watercolor on a greeting card. They don't even look real. The sky has been so blue and clear. I miss Linda most on these days. She loved nature. She loved camping and just being outside. I have always been a city girl and even the suburbs drove me nutty as a child. I had this strong draw to the city in me. I knew there was much more that I needed than the suburbs could provide. I can picture her happy face. I miss walking with her down the red dirt road. I miss the crisp air in Arkansas. When I was with her was when I could really appreciate nature. I would look at her beautiful face and the afternoon sun on it. Her lime sherbert colored eyes would shine as she admired some tree. Her voice in the background talking about the dogwoods, would be the theme music in the little movie of us that will forever play in my head. I loved her laugh lines. I am a vain woman and if it were not for the love of the lines that played her face, I would not be able to appreciate my own wrinkles. I can see her walking with her little shuffle. He legs were almost half the length of mine and for every step I took with my long strides, there were 3 of her shuffles. She would stop and pick up a rock that caught her eye. She saved them. I mourn the fact that my son will no longer be able to give rocks to linda. When she was very ill- a month before she died and could no longer walk, Connor and I took a walk down that road. He stopped and picked up rocks for Linda. One rock took him 20 min of digging at with a stick to get to. He persisted because the rock looked like wood and he knew she would appreciate how unique and beautiful it was. She did. She kissed him and praised him and she is gone and that will never happen again. I do not know if he will remember that day. I wept on that day like I weep remembering because I knew it would never come again. I hope it will be a movie in his head like my walks with her will be for me. I am so afraid I will start forgetting her. Her beautiful face, the ridiculous toe socks and flip flops, the appreciative "ummph" she would exclaim when something tasted especially good, her adorable little geisha walk, and the love she had for all things living. I can never be that good. I can try. I wish I had listened to her more. There must have been something she said to give me the wisdom the see more good in people; something that would enable me to love more. But I am sure I missed it. And she and it are gone. The world will never be the same.
