The making of monsters and how to prevent it?

[sereneorange]

My son goes to the YMCA after school. Today when my sister picked him up, he was speaking poorly about another child that goes there. The child is retarded. Connor wasn't making fun of him or anything, but the child is annoying and Connor wasn't showing patience with him. The kid takes his books and reads them when Connor tells him not to. Con is apparently territorial with his beloved books, not ok. But this is understandable in an only child.
I talked with him tonight about a child I went to school with. His name was Joe and he was mainstreamed in school. He was taller than the other children, had an enormous head and the most striking blue eyes. He had a lot of spit in his mouth when he slurred out his conversations.
Joe was a really happy child when we were in Elementary school. He was always smiling and very outgoing. No matter what was going on at the playground, he tried to join in. Most children wouldn't let him; often just ignoring he was even standing there. There were a few of us that would include him when he came around. I remember being ashamed of myself for wishing he wouldn't come around, because I knew I would never ignore him, but hated that the other kids would make fun of the children that did include Joe in their play. I did my best to make sure that Joe didn't know that I felt that way.
Joe went with us to Jr. High. Everyone started to like the opposite sex. Being mentally retarded, Joe would profess his affection to any girl he fancied. The pain on his face when he was laughed at or given a, "Gross!!"  Was heartbreaking. I started staying farther and farther away from Joe because it was too hard for me to watch how he was treated. I would stand up for him when I was around and did my best still to make sure he didn't know how much I didn't want to be around, because I would have to stand up for him. I am disgusted with myself to this day for avoiding him just because it was easier.
I almost never saw him in high school. There were 600 people in my class, and there were some classes that had more people. Joe wasn't in any of my classes of course, and there was no recess to see him. I do not know if he even graduated.
Joe is a grown man now. I know someone that knows him now. I wanted to desperately hear that Joe is happy. That he made it through growing up that is crippling to some of sick or us that are not retarded. He is not. He is miserable. He doesn't smile or laugh and is shy and insecure.
I had to fight back tears while telling this to Connor. Partly because I hate that Joe hurts, I am ashamed for not being more to him when I could, and horrifying fear that Connor could be one of the many people that would damage someone the way that Joe was damaged. All these children I went to school with broke Joe. I was selfish enough to not try to do more damage control because it would have caused me discomfort. it is more than 20 years since I have seen Joe and the shame has me crying still as I type this.
What if I cannot teach Connor enough empathy to make sure he isn't one of those children. I have always thought him to be unusually sweet and empathic. He is an amazing child, but I see him every now and then be like the other children, and it terrifies me.

Comments

[rimrunner.livejournal.com]

You are a rockin' mom. Kudoes to you for taking the time to tell your son about this.

I think some kids are cruel through thoughtlessness. I know that I was, and that the same thing was behind other kids' meanness to me; I got picked on a lot in elementary school. It's a vicious cycle.

I also think that all of us have been in situations where we feel as though we ought to have done more. In a way it doesn't matter whether we could have or not; we feel that we should've, that's all.

[godless-hobbit.livejournal.com]

Wow, beautiful entry. I won't say I was ever in a position as bad as that of your Joe, but I can certainly commiserate. My experience in school was very similar, only I was all too aware of people's reactions and the reasons behind them, unlike Joe. I guess every kid has to learn about what retardation or disability means, and Connor's reaction wasn't what I'd call unfair. But I think you were right to counsel him. What sort of reaction did he have to you when you talked to him? If he saw what an emotional effect it had on you, I'm sure he took it seriously. I don't think you should hold yourself responsible for the suffering of Joe, but the fact that you do feel guilt and empathy for him shows you are truly a compassionate being.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

sadly, joe was aware too..that is why he is broken now.

I was picked on too..different reasons.

[glitter-ninja.livejournal.com]

I think it's terrific that you're concerned about how your son reacts to others. You're a great mom! I hope people tell you daily what a great job you are doing. We need more parents like you.

When I was in high school, a girl with Down's Syndrome was in our class. I was disgusted when a classmate won a humanitarian award one year for being nice to the girl with Down's Syndrome. She wasn't nice to the girl, she was barely civil, sometimes mean, and often made fun of her. The teacher giving the award praised the classmate for being "brave enough" to be seen in public with the girl with Down's.

I think that single incident alone made me want to work with the disabled, to help them, but there's not much you can do when almost everyone in the world thinks being a 'tard is the worst thing there is. Teaching your son empathy is wonderful! If only your Good Parent cooties were contagious...

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

oh... thank you very much

[wallbrat.livejournal.com]

You're a great mom. *hugs her* You took the time to try to teach him differently. My parents never did and I had to overcome the aversion myself.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

thank you. I usually feel confident in my parenting skills, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed, like I took on way more than I am capable of handling.

[dangermouse74.livejournal.com]

this was tough to read :-( *hugs* (hug me too please)

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

sorry. *hugs back*

[dangermouse74.livejournal.com]

no need to apologize, it was a great post. wonderful. and thanks for the hugs

[omegaxl.livejournal.com]

I think everyone is teased & picked on in school. Those that aren't eventually become the "popular" kids. I was teased everyday, even in high school for being overweight. It was like nobody wanted to take the time to get to know me, they just saw me as "Piggy" I can think of all the names that kids were called in school....it's truly a heck of an experience for everyone.

Connor sounds like he is a caring & empathetic kid and mega props to you for helping him be that way. I think having that talk with him about Joe is going to make him think and show him that our words & actions have profound effects on people. Just observe how he thinks & acts, I think you did the right thing.

[smalltownhero.livejournal.com]

Kids can be so cruel... I knew a guy like Joe when i was in school.. To this day , he still has low self esteem cuz of the way he was treated...

Me too.

[(Anonymous)]

I really liked your post. Thanks for sharing such a touching real-world experience.

I have stories very similar to yours. In the small town where I was raised, there was a family who had 5 children, 3 of whom (all boys) were retarded. I knew 4 of those children well. 2 of them were in my class, which graduated only 30 people.

I was always kind to the boys. I took up for them when other kids picked on them ... usually. But, like you, I experenced situations where I was too uncomfortable to do what I should have done.

What does it mean that we can't be perfect? Are we expecting too much from ourselves? I share your sadness when I look back at incidents and relationships like this. I could have done better. But there isn't anything I can do about mistakes I may have made; all I can do is live well now and in the future.

Sigh.
xy22y

Re: Me too.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for sharing.