Harness the pain of the never

[sereneorange]

Today is particuarly rough. I am missing Linda so much. I am ashamed I never missed her this much while she was alive. I missed birthdays as if each year that passed that she was in my life was not as important as it really was. I am physically tired from the the pain of choking down tears throughout the day when I think of her and my throat is tight and sore. I keep thinking of all the never agains. I will never have to search for a gift for her birthday or Christmas present. I will walk through a walmart and Target and never again have a need to buy those ridiculous ass striped rainbow toe socks that made her so happy. I will never again play dice with her. I will never again take road trips with my other wonderful sister and son to see her. I will never again eat cheap no name brand cookies and instant coffee at 11 pm (which incidently taste better than they sound-especially when eaten with your oldest sister in Arkansas) I will never again look through all her photo albums while she tells stories of wild party days, abusive ex-husband, and family I have never and will never meet. I think every now and again about how much it hurts to think about Con's loss of not having her. That is nothing compared to the pain of my loss and my guilt about having not been a better sister. I think about when I was 15 and she came to visit and I was all but begging her to change her clothes because we were going out and she was wearing a one piece white bell bottomed jump suit in 1984. I made a big deal out of it and let her in on the big secret that I was ashamed of how she dressed. She walked around thinking she was beautiful and sexy , and I let her know that she looked old and unhip. I hated that I could never take that day back. I made sure that I never again said anything about her clothes. But the pain I caused her never went away. When my nephew graduated college, and we went up there, we took her a dress. She had lost a lot of weight from the cancer treatments and I didn't think she had been shopping. Fini and I picked out a really pretty dress in an impossibly small size (and it was still a little too big). We thought she would look nice. When she recieved it, she only thought of how we were ashamed of what she would pick out for herself. It was not untrue. We did think that she would dress innapropriately. I was sick that she knew it. 15 years later and she still was hurt by how we were embarrassed by the way she dressed. Another never. I will never get to apologize for hurting her that way. She never said an ugly word about the way I dressed,wore my hair, or makeup. She didn't make fun of my nose or tongue ring, and no matter what my wieght, she told everyone how beautiful I was. If she was ever embarrased by me, she never let me know. Some nevers are good.

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