Subject: Texas Chili

my sister Fini sent me this via email.

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from Escanaba, Michigan:


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck,
when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from
the event:


Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.



Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.



Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red
necks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.



Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.


Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

oh Connor..
My son hung out with his god mother and his friend, Skyler today because day camp is done and school doesn't start till Monday. Apparently he was perfect all day long, he and Sky didn't bicker ( they are like an old married couple. They adore each other but you want to crack their skulls together like a pair of click clacks)and was a dear sweet boy. Then...
They went up to West University Elementary so Caryn could do some work and he and Sky played at the playground for a bit. At some point the fire alarm was set off. He told Caryn he bumped it with his shoulder. The fire department came and everything. Caryn was mortified and looked frazzled at the end .
When Fini got him home, she looked at his face and just knew ( hell, I knew right away when it was relayed to me when I got home) that it was not his shoulder that bumped the fire alarm. She asked him and he lied (eyes down and to the left) and then gave him sweet voice and asked him again. He said he pulled it with his finger, he didn't think it would go off without the white cord being pulled. He was freaking out, he felt guilty, he lied to Caryn and it was eating him up. Fini told him he would need to call her and tell her the truth. He did and was very brave.
After he got off the phone with Caryn, Fini told him he would have to tell me when I came home. Poor baby. That was hard. He then told Fini that his stomach had a hole in it and his throat hurt. She told him he probably needed to cry and his little face just wrenched right up. She asked if he needed her to hold him while he cried and he just fell in her lap and cried. Poor thing.
He bought Caryn flowers after he told me what he had done and we took them to her house. We knew he needed to make amends and see that she forgave him and still loved and liked him. No punishment needed. He punished himself.

Peer pressure

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