Headache

[sereneorange]

So.... CT Scan this morning. Still have the headache. Have had it since April 25th. It is not nearly as bad as it was (my hair no longer hurts) but yesterday, the "ice pick headaches" started in addition to the headache I already had. It isn't terribly professional to scream "FUCK!!!!!" and grab your head for 3 seconds every 20 minutes at your desk.


I am trying to not fret since they are not likely going to find anything wrong. However, I am a fretting artist. I work in worry the way Monet and Van Gough worked in oils. It is impressive. Once something is done, I am fine. I am all about, "okay. What is done is done. How do we handle this now" but until then, I fret.

It doesn't help that the last time I had a CT Scan, I was 9 and they found a tumor. It also doesn't help that my sister died of brain cancer. Just trying to push all that back and wait until I have a clue what is going on. 

goodnightnowgo took me and we had a delicious breakfast afterwards. She is wonderfully supportive. She is a great friend. She always makes me laugh. 

Everything is likely just fine. Maybe it is stress. I should meditate more.

The CT Scan was much better than when I was little. The injection didn't burn as much. 


 

Comments

[shimmerdance.livejournal.com]

holy fuck, honey.

I love how you post this really scary shit with humor. fretting as an art is lovely.

will keep fingers metaphorically crossed

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

oh you have to keep the humor. It is the thing that will keep you from completely losing your shit.

My sister called on a November morning to tell us she had a stroke and they found the cause was a brain tumor. She was 45 years old. It was on the same day that our father died. She said,"Maybe it is like Daddy reaching out from the beyond to tell us "hi".

I said, "Tell him to shoot me a fucking email. I don't need anything more intimate. Shit. He died when I was five. We weren't close"

We ended up naming her tumor "Flubber". We had to crack jokes to keep from crying

[shimmerdance.livejournal.com]

Have you ever thought about writing a book? I could see it being used by grief counselors and support groups and such. You have a lovely way with words.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

That is sweet. Nah. I blog. I don't have the attention span for much more. Plus. there is no way I can write down most of this shit where my parents could see. Maybe when they pass on.

I have accidentally left a few things public (though I suspect my subconscious knew what I was doing) and cause my mom to cry. I did get the apology I needed for her letting my dad beat the living fuck out of me. He had made amends YEARS ago. Several times. She went searching for people to apologize to for small transgressions 30 years ago across the country but couldn't muster a "gee, I am sorry I married a schmuck and gave him free rein to torture you" for me.

She said, " I am so sorry. How can I fix this? "

I said, "That was it. You said you were sorry. It is done. "

then I locked the post so Dad wouldn't find it.

So I have to wait until they die because if they read it all, they would croak.

[shimmerdance.livejournal.com]

wow. That is amazing. Good for you for saying what you needed, and for being able to truly let go and forgive. And good for her for figuring it out, albeit a bit late. Dang. That's marvelous.

Well, if it can't be a book, I'm glad that at least I get to read about it. It is poignant, funny, and inspiring.

xo